The First Memory - First Punch

I have searched so hard to find a good memory of my brother, excavating deep in my mind and soul which leaves me restless. The kind of restlessness that as if I were a ship in a stormy ocean, skidding through the roaring waves, knowing my end, getting broken, scattered around and being swallowed by the angry azures. He has been my ocean, and I've been his ship. I have found so many memories that attached to each other like a series of tarnished negatives of a vacation photographs I never wanted to take, but not even one good one.

Now we live in a big city, in a small apartment as a result of Zeki's will. I am five, my brother is ten, and my little sister is three. Gosh! it's so exciting, I can't wait to play on the streets with the neighborhood kids. I am dressed, My mother put my hair in a pony tail, ugh, I hate when she does that, I am wearing rather traditional trousers, salwar which is common in our hometown. Going down the stairs from the third floor, hopping and skipping some of them because that's what you do to to reach to the bottom floor as quickly as possible...and then...outside. I already hear the other kids yelling, shouting, and laughing, I can't wait to be a part of it...! I push the heavy metal door with all my might, and there is my brother two inches away from my face,...I feel something in my stomach, there is pain, and an unknown feeling...whats that feeling? I try to catch my breath, and pow...the same pain and the same unknown feeling again! I know he said something, but I was so shocked that it felt like the words were fluttering around like tiny bugs. And the third time..I realize what happened; my brother punched me in my stomach. But why? What did I do? Just why...? I have never been able to figure out the why, but I did figure out that "unknown feeling." It is called fear. Fear and I become best friends from that day forward. Going back up to the third floor his words attaches together, and I finally realize what he said: " go back home now you stupid, you look like a hag!! you are not coming out today!." Huh? But, "I did not even see the bicycles yet" I say to myself. I am feeling like something that is difficult to express with words; there is hurt, shock, feeling really really small like you don't matter at all, like a little ant, and you can be stepped on any minute.